On September 20th, 2010 I wrote this first paragraph to my first post on my America to Israel blog. It doesn't seem like almost a year has gone by. I can vividly remember exactly how I felt when I got here. My memory is painted with pictures of everything I encountered since that day in September. I read in my personal journal what I wrote, and its as if I'd be re-living those days over again. I still can't believe that I'm going back to America in a few hours.
So for one final thought, this is what I did today for my last day of my gap year in Israel. Of course, I went to the Kotel. I don't care how many times I've been there this year...but the connection and spiritual energy that flows in the air is a connection you can't get anywhere else. It's like above full service on your cell phone-you are right next to the source of all the service.
So I was walking up to the wall for the last time in a while and I went to the book shelves where all the prayer books are stored. I looked around and tried to find an english/hebrew tehillim. Shelf after shelf I was looking and I just couldn't find one. I almost gave up but then of course the cliche circumstance; on the last shelf on the bottom an english/hebrew tehillim was staring at me. I walked a few steps then sat a little bit away from the wall. I started to read the psalms. One after the next-it was hard for me to connect this way..but I kept on reading. As I was reading, a very religious woman came up to me and told me that it was inappropriate the way I was sitting. A little part of my knee was showing. I kind of just stared at you and she was like 'what do you not understand?' Kind of shcok I said 'yes I understand' but I didn't really move. She walked away only to return with a scarf for me to cover my knees and placed it over them. I didn't really react, but I kind of just sat as she assembled it to cover my knees perfectly.
I started to cry as she walked away - no idea why. But tears just started to flow...At first I was a bit upset that she did that, but I quickly realized this was the best gift I recieved yet. She helped me release my emotions that were built up from everything that had happened this year. The number 66 popped into my mind (since 66 is one of my favorite numbers) and I quickly turned to Psalm 66 and started to read. I will write in easier language how I percieved it:
'Shout to G-d in happiness, sing about how amazing he is, and make what he says glorious. Say to G-d 'How amazing is everything that you do-one day the bad people of the world will admit to you that they were wrong-Everyone on earth will one day realize how amazing this life you give to the world is and will forever praise what you offer.'
Go into yourself to feel what G-d is putting on this earth for you-there's so much more to this life than what you think...Everything that G-d did and does for us, natural miracles; we rejoice in his name. Under the almighty you cannot hide from who you are-you cannot hide from your soul-it is inside of you. Please, everyone in this world, humble yourself and realize we have an ultimate sustainer-make this clear to everyone!
Hashem has kept my soul within alive and didn't let me walk too far away from this amazing lifestyle. He tested me-and then he helped me change my inner thoughts just as if he was polishing silver. He put me in so many tests, they got to me so deeply-you Hashem have made me think and probe my innermost thoughts and feelings on what it means to be a good person. I'm going to do whatever I can to thank you-even though I know its going to be a hard journey.
I am going to spread this to the people-what I learned from being here. I wanted this so badly and through his help I spoke the words saying I will come to Israel for the year to become who I truly want to be. I know I said and did so many things that were not in the word of G-d, but he still was there for me. Blessed is the G-d that helped me through the times of wandering..blessed is the one who didn't leave me hanging...he listened to my prayers and was amazing to me and for that I am so thankful.'
After reading this (this was the way I percieved it) I contuned to cry and then made my way over to the wall. I prayed a mincha so strongly meditating on each prayer slowly. Tears were flowing, I was releasing and letting go and feeling an amazing feeling of what this year brought me. I walked backwards away from it looking for the amazing angel that helped me through this, the woman that told me to cover my knees, but I couldn't find her. So I left.
So in 2 and a half hours I have a cab ride to the airport. This year has been the best year of my life-I learned so much and am so thankful for what it brought me. All I want is to spread this joy to the teenagers that are in the same position as I was-lost and looking for something more. My life goal is to fulfill that dream. We are all connected and theres nothing more that I want than to bring that connection together as much as I possibly can. I will continue this blog as my journey to Stern College continues as it will all stem from my year here, in our land, Israel.
Am Yisrael Chai- The Nation of Israel lives.
Anyone can achieve these amazing feelings I've discovered here. One secret that keeps me going that is written on the back of one of my bracelets is
"Open up for me the size of a needle, and I will reveal to you a great hall..."
Think about it.