19 to 20

In a few hours, I am going to transition from being 19 to 20. Its hard to even say whats on my mind. From the last June 6th to this June 6th, so much has happened. Last year at this time I was on birthright. I was so excited because the night we got in Tel Aviv was the night of my birthday. And not going to lie, I had a good time with my birthright group, Mayanot 81-I'll never forget it. But my excitement or realization that this year of my life is coming to an end, is a very different feeling.

My vision was blurred from the truth. I didn't know what Judaism had to offer nor did I have the energy to aspire into seeing what it really was. I just knew that I needed it, but had no idea how I was going to get it. I remember I was on my birthright trip and we were going to Ein Gedi and I just broke down. I couldn't eat nor be around anyone. So I walked away and dad and just cried to him. I was afraid. I knew that after my trip I was to return home for a little bit, and then return back to the Holy Land. My mind was flying wild with thoughts and I trembled on the fact that soon I'd be embarking on something that seemed so foreign to me. Little did I know that this was really the farthest thing from foreign, that it actually is the only clear thing that I held, hold, and always will hold close to me heart.

Right when I returned home, I started dating this guy that I really fell head over heels for. He was attractive, smart, funny, and mature. We spent about 2 months together hip to hip..then I had to leave to Israel. In those two months though I went through countless amounts of fights with my family about him (he wasn't Jewish), ultimately leading to fear, sadness, and a lot of anger. I couldn't wait to leave America and get to Israel already.

So I arrived in Israel and immediately entered into a major spiritual high. I was being spoon-fed amazing concepts and ideas about Judaism I never even knew existed. I was being guided into an amazing world that I will from now on forever be in. People were there for me when I cried over the past, and they were there for me when I asked questions. But ultimately I was happy. I could look at myself in the mirror, and be satisfied-not becuase of how I looked, but because I saw my soul-something I had such a hard time seeing before.

So a few months went by and was accumulating so much information. I admit, I was a bit overwhelmed from it all especially towards finals of fall semester and decided to take a break at home. Home did a few things for me. It showed me one that I really appreciate my families history but two you have to work for something if you want it. I found this out only now reflecting on those few weeks I was home. I didn't pray as much, learn as much, talk as much, and it took a large toll on who I wanted to become. My relationship with G-d that I strengthened so much was being ripped apart as I sat in my room numb to my surroundings.

When I returned to Israel my fire and spark of interest had been burnt out. I walked around like zombie not really taking anything in, and forgetting what I was here for. I 'relapsed' into some old lifestyle activities and didn't have the slightest clue why. So that was a really hard period of time..just walking around clueless to my flame that had been extinguished.

So now here's where I stand. Everyone will always be working on themselves. There is no state of perfection, you must always be getting better...and if you're not getting better than you are getting worse. You also need to exert a form of effort. No one is going to spoon feed you life. You have to always be aware that every moment, after it passes, is never going to come back. Really I learned, that Judaism is the only way I ever was and will achieve true happiness. And no that doesn't mean keeping the Sabbath and keeping kosher. There is so much more hidden beauty and amazing secrets to this religion. It brings out who you are, and helps you feel a sense of accomplishment (one of the highest forms of pleasure) when you fulfill what you were put on this world to do: fulfill your ultimate potential. Also that I know why G-d is hidden-I used to question why he couldn't just reveal his face so I could just beleive-how much easier it would be! But I see now that if that would happen, my free choice would be gone..I would have no choice but to worship G-d becuase he would be there right in front of me at all times. So I get to choose on what I want-I am the ultimate judge on myself-I choose whats right and wrong.

I can go on forever on what I learned but that can be saved for more personal discussion. Basically, soon I will be transitioning into a new age of life. I am happy, eager, and ready to see what it has in store. I can almost feel the lightning bolts of inspiration run through my veins into my heart. This 20th year of life is going to be a whole new journey, something so much different then what I've experienced on this past year. Heres to Civil Twilight for illustrating these concepts in thier song Human:

There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human