The story of Speech

It was my first Friday night at UCF's chabad house for Shabbat dinner. I was nervous, but was used to the orthodox scene since that how I was raised. I quickly walked in and immediately was greeted by the Rabbi.

'Hello! I'm Jennifer!' I said confidently.

'Hey Jennifer! Have you ever been to chabad before?' he replied.

'I mean I havn't been to chabad but I did grow up religious, so I'm used to this' I shot back.

'So what happened?' he innocently asked.

I felt my confidence within me rapidly dwindle. That tear jerking, overly asked, annoying question. 'It's a long story...' I replied and quickly walked away since I sincerely felt my eyes begin to well up. 'Keep your cool and snap out of it!' I was repeating to myself in my head. I hated these emotions that would come up when I thought about my lost faith of Judaism. I hated them so much that they are what made me decide to go to UCF over Israel for my first year of college in the first place.

A couple months later, being a chabad then going out after Friday night regular, Passover rolled around. I stayed at UCF for the holiday and attended both seders. The seders looked like this: the rabbi and his wife giving everything they have to try and inspire over 200 college kids with the seder service. Many of them though weren't really feeling the atmosphere so were constantly on their blackberries and/or continuously stating how they dreaded the long wait to the meal. And as the meal rolled around, many ate and got their keys and left. I stayed, along with the other few that wanted to finish the seder and and we ended the nights with a pesach fabrengun and some good talks.

Passover ended, and it wasn't long till I was going out once again to satisfy my party cravings. One night, I over drank a bit and entered into the 'Nichnas Yayin Yotzeh Sod' mode (enter wine and secrets leave). I left the bar, my roommate wasn't home, and found myself uncontrollably crying. I was trying to look at myself but I couldn't. I had become disgusted at who I was becoming and knew the emptiness I felt was 100% my Judaism. I luckily still had Rabbi Bryks, my rabbi from NCSY's number and vowed to call him the next day to see if I had any more options.

So I called him, the next day and of course after I asked him if there was any way I could go to Israel the upcoming fall and spring he told me that of course there was. He asked me why, and I began to explain what I was feeling and then he told me something that would be coined within me forever. I remember the d'var Torah (about Pesach) consisted with something that coincided with the phrase 'the freedoms within'. I have stuck with this ever since then and was recently reminded by our Av Bayis, Ari Yablok what this really means.

The coined phrase freedom of speech is overused and abused in many ways. Speech is something that is crazy powerful. It has the power to kill and has the power to, I hate to be cliche but, move mountains. Pesach is all about freedom of speech. Literally if you dissect the word Peh and Sach: Peh means mouth and Sach meaning conversation. When the Jews were in Egypt they were slaves. Not only slaves to build the pyramids but also slaves to not being able to be who they are as Jews-not being able to speak. When they got across the split sea and the waves crashed down on the Egyptians what was the first thing they did? They sang Az Yashir! Coincidentally, singing being the highest form of expression.

Holding on to what is real

When I heard this message I knew I had to put all my thoughts into action. Judaism was constantly swimming around in my thoughts but I refused to talk about it-I knew it was real but I knew coming back would be the hardest transformation ever. You may trick yourself into thinking 'OH since I think all of these things, then I'm ok, I'll save the actual changing for later'-But know that the only way you're ever going to change yourself is if you put those thoughts into actions. Let them exit your mind and delve into the world of reality.

Somewhere in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) it says that you have to speak your true feelings and be who you are-but it goes on to alert you that once you begin doing this, initially you are going to feel very lost and alone. It makes sense since you put up a front of who you think you are and then you just want to change? Of course people are going to look down and judge-but it really is ok if you feel and know that it's right.

Regardless if the sea actually split or not (I personally believe it but many don't and I can understand why since it is a crazy concept), this message had to be delivered one way or another. Better then G-d just writing down 'Speak up', he gave us this amazing experience or story, whatever you choose, to constantly remind yourself to be who you are-no matter how hard it is...Chag Sameach <3